This week Vitaly broke his new IPOD. It was 2 days past the 15 day return policy day and so we were not able to exchange it for a new one. As it turns out, we wouldn’t have been able to return it anyway because Spencer said that Vitaly broke in on purpose because he wanted an IPOD touch. We don't really know the truth but I did overhear him yelling at Alisa yesterday when she fixed it for him. He said that he wanted it broken. There seems to be some false idea going around that if what Vitaly has is broken that he will get a brand new replacement. We have bought him several pairs of shoes but he seems to always be shopping in the ads for new ones. I have told him several times that he has enough and he said "NO, my shoes broken." I know he lost one pair of NIKE shoes while trying to catch frogs in the frog pond and I can't seem to see anything broken about the other pairs. I told him today that if he breaks things he will have broken things, not new things. I think he is catching on. Anyone else have these kinds of issues?
The other one that is quite annoying is the constant tattling from the new kids. They really seem to be after our current kids to make sure they are getting in enough trouble and doing everything perfectly. It seems OK if the new boys leave their clothes out etc. etc. but if one of the others do it is a federal crime. This doesn't really help with the sibling bonding. They are especially interested in dethroning our youngest son Scott who has been the baby for years and I think that they both think that if they can get him in enough trouble that they will have even more favor in the family or something. The problem is that Scott is really a good, innocent kid, without an evil bone in his body and so they have to get pretty creative to make him look bad. I am hoping this will pass because I really don't like tattletails and neither do my other kids. I guess on the bright side of it all, if anyone is doing something wrong I have an instant alert and don't have to worry that anything is going on behind my back :)
Overall we are really lucky and haven't had too many major problems. We are getting ready for school and for the first time I am really kind of anxious to send the kids their own separate ways to separate classes for a few hours a day. I am usually a little sad to see summer end but this year... sigh... it will be a relief.
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I think I have at least FIVE posts complaining about tattling. It's a very orphanage mentality. I think they were rewarded for tattling or something. It is REALLY hard on the sibling bonding and unfortunately I have no magic solution. Role play for Alex works the best for learning but it took months before he had enough English to figure it out. (We did a role play about his gloating when he wins at games and it finally clicked that he doesn't like it when others do it so ah-ha! Other might not like it when I do it?) That's my best suggestion but like you I joke that I have my own KGB agent reporting to me!
ReplyDeleteVitaly is a smart boy and just seeing how the system works. We didn't have Alex break things but the minute he needs things-like shoes-he's quick to point it out. I've had to let him wear shoes with holes for a week or so to realize that we don't immediately get new things and or everything we want. Hard lesson to learn with an I-pod. For the parents more than the child! Good luck. I'm sure he'll figure it out and if YOU find something that works for the tattling....please let us all know!!!
We had to start talking to the kids in private when tattled on (whether in trouble or not we closed the door and chatted for a bit) and then we worked out individual punishments in private for awhile (whether it was a warning, writing an appology - which has been more effective then most any other punishment for our Ukraine kids- pushups, having to do an extra job or loss of a privledge, etc) because our adopted kids were soooo competetive with everyone including each other. Tanya was almost worse with her Ukrainian siblings than our biological kids, she couldn't let anything go and she always wanted Victor in trouble.
ReplyDeleteNow, a year later, there is a lot of "Are you the mother? Then don't worry about it" and "Is anyone bleeding? then I don't care right now" or just, "Work it out, you're all big kids you can work it out/or use your words and work it out". We used to have to settle every little thing, they know I just won't do it any more. We have lots of talks on not worring about other people or their things, that the only person they are in charge of is themselves and mom and dad are in charge of the family as a whole.
They liked to point out when someone didn't finish their jobs or do them correctly. So I started saying thanks for noticing why don't you help them out and do that for them? We don't hear many complaints about jobs any more and some times they will actually help each other out! that might work for things like clothes laying on the floor. : ) Good Luck, some of it is just time and building trust.
Carlin! I love that "Thanks for noticing why don't you help them out?" I will have to steal that one. Great comments. I too do a lot of reminding who the parent is, and asking if the matter at hand has anything to do with him? I also have the three B's (Bloody, broken or burning!) Sometimes when James and I go on a date I tell everyone unless it's one of the three B's....please don't call!
ReplyDeleteChristy-I sent you two emails yesterday that came back undeliverable. Let me know if you got them.
No Wendy, No emails from you and it is such a treat to hear from you, I am dying to hear what I missed. I also haven't heard back from Amy about Wed. I am not sure what is wrong with my email, I am getting plenty of Spam :) You can call me at 435-232-8900. I will try to find out what is up with the bouncing emails.
ReplyDeleteI loved the post. My daughters still go back and forth with the tattling thing, and my son gets involved too. We try to lay out basic fundamentals and tell them that unless these are broken, no need to tattle. But alas, there is evidently too much gray area and it all starts again. My 9-yr old loves to pretent that she is the mother. Luckily, Yuliya and my older son have become much closer over the past few months, and the shift has kind of turned into the younger 2 teasing the older 2. That's a new battle.
ReplyDeleteAs for thinking the they can decide whenever they need something $ new was a HUGE battle. I am thinking that proponents of adoption in Ukraine tell these kids that in America, you can have anything you want. The kids interpret that literally. One thing a family in the past suggested to us that worked well was get out the Monopoly play money. Put a stack of it on the table and explain that this is how much money your family has every month from your husband working. On a sheet of paper write down all of the things you need, such as electricity, food, gas, mortgage, etc, and take money away from the pile with each expense. When the stack is significantly smaller, ask all the kids what they want, and when the money runs out after the 1st or 2nd kid, it turns into a valuable lesson about how money does not grow on trees, it has to be used for ALL of the kids 9sharing), etc. One thing our daughter did not realize is that we actually had to pay for water, gas, insurance, electricity, doctors, etc. It was quite an eye opener for her and us. It's gotten much better over the months, but until she starts working and paying her own bills, I don't think it will completely sink in.
I really appreciate reading everyone's comments it helps me too. Sorry Christy, I remember how frustrating these things were and are. Mine have stopped tattling on each other and are now on the same team. Jeff and I are wishing for the tattling days back. Now when something bad happens, no one did it and they won't rat each other out. Very bad for us. Amy and Jeff vs. Lena and Sara. We often wish for hidden cameras.
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