We called Alina yesterday so that Spencer could talk to her for Christmas. She said what some people have predicted she would say: she now wants to be adopted again. She said that she wants to come to our family and when Spencer said "If our family can't adopt you do you want to go to another family in America?" She said "Yes." I think that she misses Spencer and especially at Christmas she wants family. The boys told her about all their presents and the fun things they are doing and I think that probably makes her feel like she is missing out even more.
She said that her aunt/cousin/sister, Marina told them that she was going to adopt her and Spencer and that is part of the reason she decided not to be adopted when we were there. When she allowed us to adopt Spencer, (she had to sign a paper saying that it was OK), Marina told her that since she had let Spencer go that she wasn't going to adopt her anymore and swore at her. She hasn't been back to see her and hasn't called. Alina's best friend, Anya, who the Meyers hosted, has now been adopted by her grandmother and so Alina is facing a new frontier in Ukraine.
Our hearts go out to her but we are a lot more reserved than we were before. We honestly had our hearts broken and have pretty much convinced ourselves that the right things have happened in the adoption. Since we have been home we have noticed how much harder things would be if we had adopted Alina too. Now the thought of going back and doing it all again is a bit overwhelming. I told Dave about the conversation and he said that he is 95% sure that he doesn't want to go back and do another adoption. I have been thinking about it a lot and IF we ever did go back to Ukraine to adopt again, we would definately do things differently.
If we were going to adopt from Ukraine again we would:
1. Adopt through Cathy Harris/Ukrainian Angels. who only charges $4,500 for the facilitators and the whole adoption part in Ukraine and only $1,500 for the whole Dossier prep portion. That is it. She is also the most knowledgeable and very fast, efficient and HONEST.
2. We would not be so desperate to get over to Ukraine. Desperate enough to pay same day expedition fees or Fed EX charges to send things there so fast when Priority Mail is 1/10th the price and almost as fast.
3. We would not be so desperate in Ukraine and feel like we had to have everything done as fast as possible so that we could get out of there. We would pay NO BRIBES or expedition fees to anyone. When people know that you are American they instantly feel like they have to take advantage of you. They act like they need to be "encouraged' to do their job which translates into a bribe. They don't care about the welfare of the kids as much as the money they are coveting. If the judge said that he couldn't do a court for 2 months unless we bribed him, we would say "Ok see you in 2 months" and be on the next plane home for 2 months. We feel strongly that by being a part of that whole process, we are not helping to clean up the corruption, but are reinforcing it.
4. We would take more things to the orphanage and give the kids gifts and candy in person. We found out that the package that we mailed to Vitaliy last Christmas never made it to him. This year he asked if I had mailed a package to his friends in the orphanage and I told him that mailing things to orphanages in Ukraine is a bad idea. They either get stolen during the mail or inspection process or taken by the administration and given to their friends or sold. The gifts RARELY reach the kids. I have heard too many horror stories about good hearted people doing a lot of nice things that are spoiled by evil hearted people.
5. We would take the things we missed while in Ukraine last time. I will find the list I made and repost it. Things that we just assumed would be available in a modern country that were very hard to find when we got there. We would take a long shower and enjoy our fluffy towels and eat the foods we like and prepare to "give up" the comforts of home for awhile so that we could give the comforts of home to someone else forever.
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Wow. I guess you knew that would happen. So sad. What a terrible aunt. She was never going to adopt them. She just didn't want YOU to adopt them either. I would hate to be in her shoes on judgment day!
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ReplyDeleteWendy's right - there was never any real intent there from her relatives. That's the sad part of it all. There is a lot of resentment in Ukraine for the kids that have the opportunity for a life here in America. Just like the bribes and the dishonesty, it's all without the interest of the children in mind. The part about your heart being broken hit a sore spot with Carrie and I when we went through that. It's one thing if the child cannot come to America through no choice of their own, but when you hear the words from the child's mouth, it really does take a huge blow at that part of your heart that you've spent so many months building up. That bruise never heals. These kids really don't know what they are missing out on, similar to what it was like for you when you went to Ukraine and went though your adoption process: You now know what you are up against and thus, may not do it again. On the flip side, if Alina had come here to America with her brothers, she would likely look back at this point and ask herself why there was ever ANY hesitation to come here to such a wonderful and loving family. The same can be said about the joys of the gospel message -- people really accept it only after they have felt the true joy in it, and until then, won't be help accountable if they reject it.
ReplyDeleteIn your case, you have a second chance with Alina. I'll stay tuned to see if that 95% changes at all, especially with your determined and thought out plan to do it all differently if you do it again. If we had the same second chance, we'd be on the next plane to Ukraine.